R U Clean?
I consider myself to generally be a “clean” guy. I bathe regularly, wear clean clothes daily, and even keep my home and car clean.
I've also been tested many times. I took a test to get my driver’s license, passed multiple tests to get a degree, and yes, have been tested for HIV/STD's.
A friend (thanks Chris!) sent me a link to this video over the weekend. It is a conversation between two potential sexual partners who met online.
I encourage you to watch and then read the rest of this blog.
Discussion of things like hobbies, sexual fetishes, cock size, and other niceties often take up most of the time prior to meeting with someone you have met online. HIV/STD testing history and HIV status itself often get little or no mention past the checkbox in your profile.
Maybe instead of saying “R U Clean” we should ask more directly:
Are you HIV+?
Have you been tested for HIV/STD's within the last 3-6 months?
Do you use condoms all the time?
Those questions might elicit a different response than simply “ru clean?”
So do you ask directly or do use a phrase such as “r u clean or ddf?”
Thanks for this blog, Chris. I got this video sent to me at home by a friend, too, and thought it was sheer BRILLIANCE! The way we talk to one another online and how we negotiate sex and safety are important conversations for us as queer people, especially men, to be having. You pose some great thoughts at the end of your blog abut what questions we ask and how we ask them...but I think there are some other points worth raising here, too.
First and foremost, I think it's not enough for us to just talk about the asking of the questions----we need to go a step further and #1) really think about how prepared we are to react appropriately when we receive the answers...and, #2) more importantly, what we DO with that information when we receive it. The video highlights both of these points well.
As a community, I think we should be very critical of the stigma that is directed at people who are HIV+...and part of that stigma stems from the nasty and negative reactions that poz guys get when they are honest about their status. This is a problem that our community, positive and negative men together, really need to contemplate. As the video highlights, it's one thing to want to make decisions to protect yourself---it's an entirely different thing to be a jerk.
More importantly, however, this video demonstrates exactly how naive it is to assume that asking the question is protection enough. Even if a person tells you they're "clean" or "DDF" online (either in chat or by checking the right boxes in their profile) that does not necessarily mean they are. They may not have been tested in a while or may have been in the window period and be one of the many men who are infected and have no idea. The truth of the matter is that asking the question "are you clean?" doesn't protect ANYONE from HIV or STDs----practicing safe sex does.
And finally, as one more small soapbox...I want to challenge our community around the use of the term "clean" to describe men who are HIV-negative. This term implicitly means that men who are NOT negative are the opposite of "clean"---they are dirty.....and I take great exception to that principle. How can we expect to eliminate stigma against HIV and the people living with it and encourage more open and honest dialog and disclosure when we tell HIV+ men that they are "dirty"? We can't. HIV+ men are NOT dirty....they are HIV+. Period. And, in my opinion, that fact does not strip them of the right to respect and common decency.
This proves that healthy HiV+ gay men are not diseased ,
that AIDS is an hygenic pathogen that people have a
right to pass to each other via clean anal sex !
I love a big healthy penis like any other gay man out there . We should not be ashamed to have AIDS , nor be afraid to give it to other people ! Gay sex is clean sex !
I have to disagree, Buddy----I don't think that's what this video or blog (or my comment above) prove at all.
I agree that HIV+ gay men are not "diseased" or "unclean/dirty"----because those labels are rife with shame & stigma and I think they do more harm than good. I also agree that those members of our community who are living with HIV or AIDS should not be ashamed of their status....gain because that shame is unhealthy.
All that said, however, I think we do have to be clear that HIV is a virus that can be transmitted to sexual partners and that living with HIV is neither easy nor ideal. I think many or most people who are living with HIV wish that they were not; and I believe that many people who are living with HIV are also deeply invested in not sharing their virus with others.
While we don't want anyone to be shamed or stigmatized if they DO have HIV-----our message should continue to be that IF YOU DO NOT HAVE HIV, YOU DO NOT WANT IT.
Hey Buddy,
As you might expect I have to agree with Erik.
Those with HIV are not unclean, dirty, etc. People regardless of their status are still people and should be treated as such.
A friend tested positive about two years ago.
He and I were talking about this very same issue and he admittedly was one who always had some sort of message about clean/ddf in profiles.
He now sees the error in that line of thinking.
I certainly don't want to see another friend infected because of an assumption about what the word clean or ddf means.
Hey Buddy,
As you might expect I have to agree with Erik.
Those with HIV are not unclean, dirty, etc. People regardless of their status are still people and should be treated as such.
A friend tested positive about two years ago.
He and I were talking about this very same issue and he admittedly was one who always had some sort of message about clean/ddf in profiles.
He now sees the error in that line of thinking.
I certainly don't want to see another friend infected because of an assumption about what the word clean or ddf means.
I LOVED this video. It is wonderful. I've posted it on Facbook. I've emailed it to family/friends. It does an excellent job of highlighting many important issues in a hilarious (and honest) way.
Thanks for sharing and thanks for your work!
There is no one way to be gay! Being gay does not define who you are- it is merely a part of you. If you think you are "not gay enough" or think you are "too gay" then read this quick guide on how to be gay!
Difficulty: Hard
Time Required: Possibly Years!
Here's How:
1.Take time to explore yourself. Spend some quality time learning who you are and what you like. Remember, there is no one way to be gay. You can be whoever you are. Once you know yourself completely you gain confidence in yourself and in every other aspect of your life.
2.Remove any stereotypes you have about being gay. The media (and even other gay people) often group gay men into one category. There are stereotypes associated with how we look, dress, talk and act with little recognition of our differences and individual personalities. These stereotypes can get ingrained in your head, making it difficult to be yourself. Once you ignore how you are "supposed to be" and start being who you really are, you will find your own place as a gay man.
3.Ignore peer pressure from those around you. Peer pressure can be the toughest thing to overcome. You don't have to be a carbon copy of your friends or a cute boy at the bar. Trust me, the right friends and the right man will appreciate your differences!
4.There is no such thing as "not being gay enough" or being "too gay." If anyone tells you otherwise they are being dramatic.
5.Open yourself to your own sexuality. According to the Kinsey Scale, there are different
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nuyY9WjNpgs