Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Love Life is for queer women too. While it appears the book’s author Samhita Mukhopadhyay (Executive Editor at www.feministing.com) initially geared the guide toward straight women, its framework for assessing societal messages about dating and its toolkit for navigating casual sex and relationships provides it with the potential to also empower queer women. Four chapters within the book are particularly applicable to the lives of queer women: “Single and Lovin’ It,” “Cinderella 2.0: New Era, Same Old Fairytales,” “Naughty Girls Need Love Too,” and “The Art of Feminist Romantic Maintenance.” In the interest of word counts I will focus queering “Naughty Girls Need Love Too” and “The Art of Feminist Romantic Maintenance,” but encourage you to read the whole book, especially these four chapters.

“Naughty Girls Need Love Too” focuses on how to navigate relationships (sexual and/or romantic) within the context of casual sex. Mukhopadhyay begins this discussion by explaining her shift from believing that she felt empowered by men's perception of her as the “sexy, cool, easy, awesome” girl, to recognizing that she was getting validation. While this validation came for her through men recognizing her as that kind of woman, I believe queer woman can just as easily perceive themselves as empowered through casual sex when really they too are hoping another woman will validate them by seeing them as “sexy, cool, easy, awesome” for engaging in casual sex.

That being said, although Mukhopadhyay found casual sex was no longer working for her, she by no means slut shamed women who engaged in casual sex. She did just the opposite and spoke out against slut shaming by emphasizing how our society devalues women who engage in casual sex. While she did not discuss slut shaming in the queer community, I think her points about the harmful impact of slut shaming on women’s opportunities for positive expression of their sexuality are spot on.

They are especially applicable to the slut shaming bisexual women experience in our community and society as a whole. Oftentimes bisexuals are perceived as inherently promiscuous or are assumed to be engaging in casual sex due to their sexual orientation even if they are not doing. They are then slut shamed for because society labels them with identifiers like “greedy, dirty, etc.” This has actually negatively affected the sexual decision making of several bisexual women I know. They have chosen to not engage in casual sex, despite wanting to do so, because of the slut shaming they already experience due to their sexual orientation. They fear by engaging in casual sex they will reinforce negative perceptions about their orientation and/or receive even more slut shaming on top of what they experience due to their sexual orientation before engaging in casual sex. This is obviously problematic because instead of making sexual decisions based on their needs and desires, they are making them out of fear of social repercussions.  Mukhopadhyay suggests that instead of allowing these repercussions and slut shaming to dominate our discussions of sexuality we should engage in conversations about pushing the boundaries of acceptable sex and redefining the parameters of relationships.

One newer relationship parameter she discussed was hooking-up or hook-up culture, something most current and former college students are familiar with. She explains while hook-ups can provide a scenario that is advantageous to women not looking to form relationships because of their nature, they can be problematic for women who both sex and relationships if they repress their romantic feelings for a hook-up partner in order to sustain the sexual relationship. To avoid becoming disempowered or in a position where you feel untrue to yourself during casual sex/hook-ups, Mukhopadhyay says there are several necessary elements: “…communication, mutual respect, and having a clear understanding of the boundaries of your             relationship…” (184).

Along with sharing these tips in “Naughty Girls Need Love Too,” in “The Art of Feminist Romantic Maintenance,” which I think could also be called “Why Feminist Dating Means Healthier Relationships,” she gives a variety of ways that feminism and feminist dating means healthier singlehood, casual sex and relationships. I won’t give them all away because I want you to read her book, but here are some of my favorites:

1) Feminism helps you figure out what you want. – In relationships, in bed, if you want a relationship,   etc.

2) Feminism means being comfortable alone.  – Hopefully if you feel comfortable alone you won’t feel tempted to rush into or to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy or unsatisfying

3) Feminism means better sex – Feminists work to feel more comfortable about themselves and their bodies so they know what works for them in bed and may not be as self-conscious.

4)Feminism reminds you that love, just like feminism, is for everyone

Ultimately, Outdated provides queer women with the opportunity to question social norms and encourages them to make more honest and well informed choices about their sexuality. And that is something I think all queer women, including myself, should get behind.