Does Lesbian Bed Death exist?
The term, anyway, was created, and is used, to describe the common lack of sex that is believed to be occurring in lesbian relationships, specifically within long-term relationships.
The term is said to have been coined by Pepper Schwartz, a sociologist at the University of Washington, in her 1983 book American Couples, in which she apparently also claims that in general, lesbians have less sex than any other type of couple, and they generally experience less sexual intimacy the longer the relationship lasts.
What I will say about the notion of ‘bed death’ in general is that there is some truth to be found in the idea that within all relationships between any two or more people, the frequency of sex may decrease as time goes on. That is to say, it seems pretty common for the amount of sex people have to decrease at some point as the length of any particular relationship increases. But this happens for all kinds of reasons, between all kinds of different people, and we know that it happens regardless of sex, gender, or sexual orientation.
It makes sense for sex to become more infrequent at different points in a given relationship, but it also makes perfect sense that perhaps, the sex being had in that same said relationship increases at other points... or the frequency of sex fluctuates depending on circumstances surrounding the relationship, etc.
So this concept of bed death being somehow more relevant to the experience of lesbians is somewhat puzzling to me, but it's also really troubling. Because I think it's really obvious that the idea itself is rooted in sexist, gender-normative and heterosexist notions about women's sexual desire & pleasure. And it reflects narrow societal assumptions and expectations about women as sexual beings in general. But what’s worse, is that it seems as though people, and women in particular, are by and large okay with that.
Because, while it is true that men or male-bodied people are biologically and hormonally different than women or female-bodied people when it comes to sex, and certainly that they may experience those differences in ways that affect sexual desire and sexual drive differently, I would argue that many of the perceptions we have about the sexuality of different genders are also ingrained in social and cultural norms and beliefs as well, and maybe even to a larger degree.
Erectile Dysfunction, and particularly the response of our society to ED, is a good example of this.
According to the American Urological Association, erectile dysfunction affects 25 million American men. The Massachusetts Male Aging Study gathered a random sample of more than 1,700 men between the ages of 40 & 70 living near Boston. Researchers found that 43% of the men were classified as having some level of erectile dysfunction. So, clearly erectile dysfunction is a common concern for men, particularly as they age, and is even possibly comparable to the rate at which women seem to experience hormonal changes and lower libidos as they age. The difference is that, we perceive one to be a problem and we perceive the other to be merely a part of life.
Are our perceptions about sexuality truly all biologically based? Are they culturally based? Are we socialized to see changes in sexual desire and/or ability in men and women differently? By entertaining terms like 'Lesbian Bed Death,' are we giving in to traditional sexist and gender-normative assumptions and definitions?
What do you think…is Lesbian Bed Death real?
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Thanks for the thought-provoking blog, Allegra! In my social interactions with many lesbian and queer women I do hear reference to "lesbian bed death"....and I even have some close queer female friends who confess that their own sex lives, to some degree, seem to follow that pattern (at least some of the time). That said, however, I think you raise some REALLY excellent points here: Is it really "death"---meaning that it just stops forever---or is just natural cycles of more or less sexual activity over time? Is it truly a lesbian issue exclusively? And what role does misogyny &/or homophobia play in the assumptions around this idea?
Thanks for commenting, Erik. The fact that women, especially lesbians, will actually use the phrase is disappointing to me, frankly. And I think that right there is a really good example of how internalized misogyny absolutely plays a role in how we see ourselves sexually.
And I think it's also really problematic to pin a general, sweeping assumption about how often a person will or should want sex to their bio sex or gender, in the same way that assuming just because a person has a particular sexual orientation, it means they'll enjoy or engage in certain sexual behaviors... when we know that all that does is potentially alienate people and make them feel that they aren't truly who they say or feel themselves to be if they don't actually engage in those activities, OR if they don't want sex as often (or as infrequently) as they're expected to.
OK, so thanks for getting me thinking....I am wondering a few things- so, if we judge lesbian sex and intimacy by heterosexist standards we are screwed (or not!) from the get go. I think, as you highlighted Allegra, that sexual behavior in all relationships is dependent on many factors within that relationship, length of time together just being one factor. So, what is lesbian sexual behavior in long term realtionships changes over time and WHO IS TO SAY that is a 'death' or not sex.
This also just gets me thinking about monogomy in general. I'm thinking I'm less and less cool with 'forever monogomy' for some many reasons the older I get and the more sexual and intimate partners I enjoy.